News In Brief

Study Reveals People Smoke for Taste, Pleasure

In a landmark study released by Harvard University, smokers listed taste and pleasure as the most significant reasons for smoking.
"At first we thought it was all about addiction and habit, but few if any smokers even mentioned those as reasons," head researcher Milton Pilien said during the press conference. "Many said they would stop smoking if it was only about nicotine."
The results come as no surprise to Foster Murray, lead tobacco blender for American Indian cigarettes.
"We've known for a long time that our customers are primarily concerned about flavour. This is why we advertise our products as "all-natural," and to this day do not use any artificial additives."
Some tobacco executives, however, have dismissed the study as biased. Dexter Vallarta, of Phillip Morris, pointed out that the study was commissioned by a major cigar manufacturer.
"Of course the people who volunteered for the study are cigar smokers, and therefore biased to issues of taste. We're confident that if our customers were polled, habit and our high nicotine value would have been more prevalent as reasons. Our nicotine value per cigarette is unmatched in the industry."


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Child Still Alive, Despite Doctor's Prognosis

Ten-year-old Melissa French is back playing with her friends after a horrific car accident, despite a doctor's assessment that she might not live.
"She showed that doctor what all his fancy degrees are worth," father Hal French said yesterday. "He said she wouldn't and she showed him."
Melissa underwent over twenty hours of surgery to repair damage to her liver, lungs, and throat. Two teams of surgeons worked around the clock, doing back to back shifts.
"That doctor better get a new crystal ball. How can he even be a doctor if he can't tell whether people will live or die?"
The French's went through a similar situation five years ago, when Hal's father was diagnosed with cancer.
"Doctors kept telling us he had three months to a year to live. And I said, well what is it? Three months or a year? Cause if I visit him in six months is it going to be in a cemetery? He ends up living three more years, ripe old age of 82. Showed those doctors."
One day Hal hopes to be able to prove other medical professionals wrong.
"They think they've got it all figured out with their machines and degrees. I can't wait till some doctor tells me I've got a few months to live, and then I go and live ten more years. Can't wait to see the look on his face."