Bush to Saddam: I'm Gonna Smack You Down, Dog!

In an attempt to appeal to a younger demographic, President Bush has updated his "War on Terrorism" vernacular.
"The polls have shown that, contrary to popular belief, there is support for the war with children and young adults," White House aide Barbara Campot explained. "The media tends to only show young people who are against the war; our studies have shown a significant number in favor of it. The President's recent speeches seek to make the war accessible to that audience."
In the following weeks Bush plans to integrate several of these "current" speeches in with his more traditional addresses. Last night the President gave a sneak preview of what we can expect, when he spoke to a meeting of Young Republicans.
"I ask Saddam, are you feeling me, dog? Can you smell what I'm cooking?" Bush told the capacity crowd. "Cause I'm about to lay the smack down on ya. I'm about to get medieval on your ass. Things are gonna get hot in here!"


Tourists Good for Tourism Industry, Study Reports


Scoring Revealed as Key to Hockey, Goalies Fired

A week has passed since Don Cherry's revelation on Hockey Night in Canada, but the league is still reeling from its effect.
"In this league, you gotta put the puck in the net," Cherry remarked to longtime partner Ron MacLean. "You can play all the fancy kinds of systems you want, but in the end your guys had better score, and score more times than the other team."
On Sunday the league saw a flurry of action as teams rushed to trade goalies for high-scoring wingers. The New York Rangers are rumoured to have offered $20 million for Paul Kariya, a rumour that Anaheim has flatly denied. Regardless, goalies and even defencemen are starting to feel the crunch.
"I've seen my playing time drop from sixty minutes to barely above forty," Colorado Avalanche netminder Patrick Roy told the Hockey News. "And I head straight for the bench whenever we get a powerplay to ensure a six-on-four situation." The Avalanche beat the hapless Buffalo Sabres 16-9 on Friday.
This in stark contrast to last year, when Hockey Night in Canada's Harry Neale revealed that defence wins championships. The two goalie system, while popular with Eastern Conference teams, was quickly denounced by hockey purists as excessive, and never caught on in the West, which favoured a three defencemen system.


Morons Blamed for Collapsed Bridge

A collapsed bridge that claimed the lives of three drivers on Wednesday is being blamed on morons, a spokesperson from the mayor's office told a press conference this morning.
"After a thorough investigation we have traced the problem to a fault in one of the support beams. The fault was obvious enough that it looks to be the work of morons." The spokesperson would not comment whether it was moron builders, architects, or engineers.
When asked why the fault had not been spotted during an inspection, the spokersperson replied:
"We are dealing with a moron problem in our surveying office as well. The situation was first noticed a year ago, but a new round of hiring might have re-introduced morons to the department."
This is not the first time morons have been responsible for a catastrophe. Two years ago morons caused a twenty car pile-up on the Trans-Canada highway that claimed six lives. And the collapsed roof of the Save-On Foods parking lot that killed two and injured many more was found to be the work of moron builders.
"The city is hard at work trying to identify morons in any occupation that could compromise public safety," the mayor said in a press release. "Rest assured that actions of a moronic nature will not be tolerated."