Police Report Reveals: Driver Crashed Because He Couldn't Drive

Recent Increase in Playground Accidents Attributed to Stupid Children

A rash of bumps and bruises and even trips to the emergency room have several educators worried about the mental capacities of our youth, a report released yesterday revealed.
"The rise in injuries during recess and lunch breaks has been traced to some fairly stupid kids," North Vancouver Principal Michael Presnick told a group of reporters. When pressed for further comment he revealed suspicions that "the stupid students are not all from this district." The students in question have injured themselves in a variety of ways, from jumping out of trees, to swinging on broken equipment, to playing with glass.
West Vancouver Superintendent Geoff Jopson echoed Presnick's comments.
"Clearly all of these incidents could not have involved students from this area. As you know, we have a very good gene pool."
Stupid children were also blamed last year, when several students were found nearly suffocated after they wrapped the fabric towel from the hand dryer around their necks and hung themselves.


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Chinese Leaving Chinatown; Consternation Over Name

While more and more Chinese families and businesses leave Chinatown in favour of more affluent suburbs like Richmond, local business leaders have become concerned about naming rights.
"We haven't done any formal studies, but the issue has been raised about how many Chinese people have to be here to legitimately call it "Chinatown," said Michael Lau, former President of the Chinatown Merchant's Association.
Concurrent with the Chinese exodus is an influx of other Asian businesses. "Almost overnight Filipino, Korean, and Taiwanese stores have replaced the Chinese ones," Lau continued. Some businessmen, like Gurjeet Padda, are suggesting a name change to reflect the shift.
"We feel that the area could benefit from a more inclusive title, such as AsiaTown, or Asiaville. Naturally we'd be open to suggestions from the public. More changes could follow, such as an amusment-park atmosphere with cultural attractions and rides." However, other business owners, such as Lau, remain unconvinced.
"I've noticed the change. Absolutely. But I don't know if a name change is necessary. If 75% of the businesses are still Chinese, is that enough? What about just 50? Is a simple majority enough, and if so could the number be as low as 35%? Obviously there are a lot of questions that need to be answered." At least one person is certain about her choice of name if a change takes place.
"I'd name it Asia Land," said Lau's six year-old daughter Sarah. "Asia Land like Disneyland."